That would be inappropriate

Yep, that’s what the voice in my head says to me all the time – or words to that effect that are usually less PC than that. Every time I think about expressing myself freely I get tangled up in what people will think of me.

That’s what we all worry about. What will my mother think? What will my old friends or my new friends think? The mindset extends way beyond my words. What about my hair and my clothes? What about my job choices and life choices?  On and on it goes until I never feel free to express myself at all. It feels like choking.

The power of the censor in my mind is so overwhelming that for over 50 years I have allowed it to keep me living in ways that don’t make me happy.  Oh sure, I can take life chances and I do. But the amount of courage it takes to do those things only comes from a level of misery that leaves me no choice.  Once your toes are on the ledge, you can either jump or change. Changing is much harder.

So after all this time I am wearing my hair the way I want and making my own choices based on what will make me happy.  I’m terrified. Under the circumstances I think that emotion is appropriate.

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